San Diego Divorce and
Family Law Attorneys Who Care
Family law is
a varied and complex field. Many aspects, such as adoption,
are full of joy and hope. Some issues are difficult and
distressing...divorce, alimony, visitation or child custody
disputes for example.
At Brave,
Weber & Mack, APLC, we are dedicated to assisting our
clients through this process with understanding and support.
Our ability to listen is our most important
skill.
Call Now for
a Free Telephone Consultation:
858-345-1616
Every
now and then I will get involved in a negotiation where one of
the parties struggles with the concept of negotiating and
sharing. Such a person wants all of what he or she wants
and is simply unwilling to compromise or share in any way.
Obviously that makes my job harder.
I
came across this video about a negotiation over waffles that
pretty much sums it up for me.
If
you need help with a difficult negotiation, feel free to
contact Shawn Weber at 858-345-1616 or visit our website atwww.bravewebermack.com.
I am frequently asked this question.
In California we never deal with Social Security in the
Marital Settlement Agreement because the concept is pretty
much understood under Federal Law. If you have been
married for at least ten years, your spouse will get
derivative benefits. Period. They can do the math
and decide whether the derivative benefits are better for them
or not, but they get the choice. Not you.
But
have no fear, derivative benefits have no effect on your own
benefits, so quit worrying about it anyway and spend your
energy on golfing once you retire.
Here
is the CNN Personal Finance Help Desk article on the
subject.
Family
Law Attorney, Mediator and Collaborative
Practitioner
The
general rule is that divorce is a personal expense and is not
deductible as a business expense.United States v.
Gilmore(Gilmore I) (1963)
372 U.S. 39. So the short and easy answer is, “No.”
However,
don’t despair. There are still some ways you can get a break
from some of those fees. Here are some exceptions to the
general rule:
Fees to obtain alimony or taxable pension
distribution. If you are a spousal
support or alimony recipient, you can deduct those fees
relating to obtaining taxable spousal support or a taxable
pensions distribution. (See I.R.C.§212(1); Treas Reg.
1.262-1(b)(7);Wild v.
Commr. (1964) 42 T.C. 706. So, those fees that you
spend with your attorney to get spousal support from your ex
can usually be deducted. Don’t forget, the fees for getting
your share of a pension distribution may also be
deductible.
Tax planning or advice.
The costs of tax planning or advice are deductible.
I.R.C.§212(3). We family
lawyers tend to shy away from giving anyone tax advice
because we are, for the most part, not tax attorneys or
CPAs. However, there can be occasion as you are planning
your divorce or legal separation that your attorney gives
you some tax advice. (For example, tax advice about
dependency exemptions, deductibility of spousal support
payments, post-divorce real estate transfers, etc.) When
that happens, the associated fees can be
deductible.
Capitalize.
Even if the fees for your divorce lawyer aren’t
deductible, expenses can often be capitalized.Serianni v.
Commissioner(11 Cir 1985) 765
F.2d 1051, 1985 CFLR 2892. Talk to your CPA about how this
can be done.
Below the line.
Now these aren’t the greatest of deductions because they
are below the line. But every little bit helps… right?
Talk
to your lawyer early! If you are interested
in deducting some of your legal fees on your taxes, it is
important that you have a conversation with your family law
attorney early so that (s)he knows to keep track of your fees
and what portions may be deductible. Typically, your attorney
can give you a letter at the end of the year indicating what
portion of your fees were, for example, associated with the
collection of alimony. Usually this so-called “allocation
letter” sent by the attorney to the client will suffice as
sufficient proof of the deduction to satisfy the IRS.Goldaper v.
Commissioner(1977) T.C. Memo.
1977-343, 36 T.C.M. 1381, 1979 AFLTR 1110. However, if your
attorney doesn’t know that you will want to claim this
deduction, you will put him in the difficult and awkward
position of trying to recreate his records. It’s better that
he knows from the outset so that (s)he can keep better
track.
As
with every tax question, it’s a really good idea to talk it
over with your CPA. The rules can be complex and there are
limitations. However, with a little diligence, you may save
some money at tax time.
For
more information about divorce or family law in California,
visit us at www.BraveWeberMack.com or call attorney Shawn
Weber for a free telephone consult at
858-345-1616.
This
is an excellent suggestion. So many folks jump right into
dating. As a divorce lawyer, I know that this can lead to
repeat business for me. It is much smarter to make sure you
are ready before you start dating. Also, don’t forget your
kids. They may not be ready either. Best advice: be careful!
Read the article here: Read
the Article at HuffingtonPost
Applied
Behavioral Finance combines the disciplines
of psychology and economics to explain why people make
seemingly irrational or illogical decisions when they
spend, invest, save, and borrow money. Since psychology
systematically explores human judgment, behavior,
motivation, emotion, and well-being, it can teach us
important facts about how human functioning differs
from traditional rational economic
assumptions.
Excellent
article. I have several cases right now where I believe the
boys involved are being put in the middle of things. The
parents universally say that the kid is a boy and can
therefore handle it. I feel terrible for these little guys.
The worst I heard was a father telling a little boy that he
couldn’t have any allowance because “Mom took all our money at
court. You will have to get your allowance from her.” Read
the Article at HuffingtonPost
It
really does matter what words you choose when
communicating with an ex spouse- particularly when
you are coparenting. It can be the difference between a
peaceful and happy existence or one filled with acrimony and
post-judgment litigation. Read
the Article at HuffingtonPost
As the next installment in my series of
tips for surviving a high conflict divorce, I want to focus on
the issue of reactivity—or perhaps better said,
over-reactivity.
Here
is an email exchange that is very typical:
Email
#1: Susie, I was hoping to take little Johnny to visit my
mother in Montana for a week during the summer. As you know,
my mom has been ailing a lot lately. She is only expected to
get worse and I was just hoping to take Johnny to get to
know her before she gets worse.
Email
#2: Jim, your mother has done nothing but ruin our lives. We
moved to California to get away from her and I don’t know
why you would want to take our son around her. Besides, your
father drinks and you know how I feel about that. Will you
please think about what is in the best interests of our son
instead of involving him in your twisted relationship with
your parents?
Email
#3: Why are you trying to involve my folks in our divorce.
You always hated them. You are so selfish, which is one of
the reasons we are divorcing. My father doesn’t drink any
more than anyone else—certainly less than your drug addicted
sister. I already talked to Johnny and he wants to visit his
grandparents. You should follow his wishes! Why are you
trying to get between him and his
grandmother?
Email
#4: You son of a $%#@! Why are you involving our son in
this? You never cared about him. You are just using him as a
pawn. I will go to court and do whatever I can do to stop
you if you even think of taking him to see your abusive
parents. I just told Johnny that he doesn’t have to go with
you to Montana if he doesn’t want to go. He is already
signed up for camp anyway and can’t go.
Email
#5: F%&@ you! This is parental alienation and I am tired
of it! I just retained a very tough attorney and she tells
me that if you keep this up I will get sole custody and you
will only be able to see Johnny with a supervisor. And don’t
even think about keeping the house. My attorney tells me
that you will have to pay my attorneys’ fees. Don’t even
think of asking for support either. I will quit my job if
you do!
I
wish I could say that an email exchange like this is rare in
my observations. Sadly, it’s quite common. Often times in high
conflict cases, the parties have a tendency to feed off of
each other. Negative energy has a way of creating more
negative energy. We, as human beings, have a tendency to react
strongly if we feel we are being attacked or if we are scared.
Fear and anger are huge motivators. “Fight or flight”
instincts kick in. Often these instincts lead us to involve
the children inappropriately in adult business.
My
advice is to resist the urge to pile on. We are not computers.
This means that if our so-called “buttons are pushed,” we need
not react in a prescribed fashion. For instance, my spouse
speaking ill of my parents does not mean that I will then
launch into a tirade of obscenities. Emails are an excellent
way of measuring how high the conflict in situation can be
because it is all there in print. However, most of the high
conflict communications happen elsewhere. The same concepts
apply though.
Here
are some tips to be measured in your responses:
1.Court may
not help. I can’t tell you how many times
something bad happens in a case and the initial response of
the wronged party is to file motions at court. I have to admit
that early in my career, I was far more likely to have
knee-jerk reactions to giveex
partenotice and demand all
sorts of remedies at court for every little perceived wrong. I
learned quickly, though, that this rarely helps. Judges hate
the tit-for-tat games being played out in their courtroom. If
unchecked, dueling court motions can turn the courtroom into a
forum for very bad and aggressive behavior. People write
terrible, blistering affidavits full of he-said-she-said
accusations that are rarely helpful to the court in making a
decision. The judges become overwhelmed with the negativity
and usually develop very bad opinions of both parties. I have
also experienced that the most negative person at court is
viewed the most negatively by the judge.
There
are other options to resolve problems besides court. Mediators
or mental health professionals can go a long way to diffuse
problems and they can often do it faster. I just filed a
motion in court the other day for a routine issue. It was set
for four months away. You can often resolve problems with the
help of ADR professionals and/or mental health professionals
in a fraction of the time.
I
am definitely not saying that Court should never be used.
Sometimes, it’s the only way. But it should be used sparingly
as a last resort. I generally don’t like to go to court unless
I know I am going to win. Otherwise, my client should
seriously consider keeping her powder dry.
2.First listen,
carefully, THEN respond. Often times one party
expresses a concern that causes them anxiety. Perhaps the
person doesn’t say it carefully, especially if the person is
upset. Often what the other party hears is only the portions
that make him the most angry or fearful. In the email example
above, Jim asked if he could take the kids to see his family.
But all Susie heard was her own reaction relating to her bad
experiences with Jim’s family. Jim, for his part, didn’t hear
some of the legitimate concerns that Susie had about his
parents and reacted only to what caused him anxiety. Rather
than take the time to really ponder and think about addressing
Susie’s concerns, he flew off the handle. Naturally, the
conversation deteriorated because the couple was reacting
instead of listening.
I
frequently coach my clients to listen carefully first to what
the other person is saying. I ask them to avoid getting caught
up in the “background noise.” As in many divorces,
communications can be accompanied by the emotions of hurt,
fear and anger. Language can be unintentionally combative.
Sometimes the language is quite deliberately combative. But if
a person listens carefully and isolates the core concern that
is driving the emotion and responds to the concern rather than
the emotion, the communication can be less combative and
thereby more effective. Here’s an example,
Jared:
I am going to take the kids to see a ballgame with Linda and
me.
Nancy:
I can’t believe you’re taking the kids out with your
girlfriend! She is why we are getting divorced! You are so
selfish and disrespectful. She shouldn’t even be around our
kids let alone taking them to a ballgame!
Now,
at this point, Jared has a choice to make. First, he could fly
off the handle and react to a perceived attack on his new love
interest by his ex as follows:
Jared:
I can’t believe you are so petty! The kids like Linda! You
are just jealous. I wish you could get over that we are
divorced and move on! You just want to ruin things for me
and Linda!
If
this were his reaction, I am sure you can see how unproductive
the discussion will be. Perhaps what Jared should do in this
situation is stop a minute and think hard about what Linda is
telling him. Perhaps, after some careful thought and
reflection, his response could be more like this:
Jared:
Oh, I didn’t realize that you were uncomfortable with the
kids being around Linda. Linda is really a nice person. But,
I want you to know that she can never replace you as the
kids’ mother. It is important to me that the kids eventually
have a relationship with Linda because she is an important
part of my life. Do you think there is anything that you and
I can do to help the kids with the transition of my having a
new relationship? This could help us in the future as well
if you should ever start dating again.
Perhaps
the second more careful reaction could be more effective.
Jared recognized the concern that Nancy was having about
introducing the children to his new love interest. Instead of
attacking her back, he moved the discussion away from conflict
towards a search for productive solutions.
3.Be careful
about emails. The same concept applies to emails. A
good friend and colleague, Bill Eddy, J.D., LCSW and
co-founder ofThe
High Conflict Institute, wrotea great article about Responding to Hostile
Emails using the “B.I.F.F.” method. “B.I.F.F.” is short
for “Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly.” Rather than
simply reacting to hostile email with a tirade of your own,
Mr. Eddy suggests writing a carefully crafted response (if a
response is even needed) to the angry email. You reduce the
chances of a prolonged and angry dialogue by keeping the
response brief and to the point. By focusing on providing the
facts in a clear and concise way the email can be informative
and thereby less inflammatory, you can make an effective
communication without escalating the conflict further. By
maintaining a friendly and courteous tone even when tempted to
respond with anger, you deprive the other person of a reason
to get defensive and keep responding. Finally, by clearly
stating your position in a firm but non-threatening way you
can effectively communicate your position. Again the goal here
is to shut down the back and forth with clear and effective
communication devoid of threatening and angry language. (For
more information, see Bill Eddy’s book,BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict
People.)
In
summary, avoid reacting emotionally and reactively. Listen
carefully to what is being said and try to discover the
concern being expressed. Then, rather than attack back, turn
the conversation towards possible solutions. This doesn’t work
every time, but with patience, it can help. Remember, while
sometimes necessary, court is rarely the best answer to
resolve a problem. Try to work it out and when in need of
help, seek professional assistance from a mediator or mental
health professional.
Humans
are an emotional species and much of divorce litigation is
driven purely by emotion. Take time to review your own thought
processes and reactions to challenges during your divorce. Ask
yourself, often, if you are reacting out of emotion or out of
thought. While emotions are a part of who you are, if left
unchecked, they can block out reason and lead to sad and
terrible outcomes. Don’t hesitate to seek out a mental health
professional for coaching. It can be the difference between an
expensive, high-conflict divorce or a financially and
emotionally less costly, amicable divorce.
For
more information and guidance on dealing with your high
conflict divorce, contact Shawn Weber at 858-345-1616 for a
free telephone consulation or visitwww.BraveWeberMack.com.
California family law attorneys and mediators,
Brave, Weber and Mack, APLC: Family Law, Mediation and Collaborative
Divorce provide legal advice and representation to clients on
family law issues, including filing for divorce, child custody
(child sharing) child support enforcement, prenuptial agreements,
visitation, motions to establish paternity, domestic partnership
agreements, spousal and child support modifications to agreements
and court orders. Based in Solana Beach, Brave, Weber & Mack
helps families throughout San Diego County, including the South Bay,
North County, and East County, and communities such as San Diego, La
Jolla, Rancho Santa Fe, Del Mar, Solana Beach, Encinitas, Carlsbad,
Vista.
Below the line.
Now these aren’t the greatest of deductions because they
are below the line. But every little bit helps… right?
As the next installment in my series of
tips for surviving a high conflict divorce, I want to focus on
the issue of reactivity—or perhaps better said,
over-reactivity.
3.