Every now and then I will get involved in
a negotiation where one of the parties struggles with the
concept of negotiating and sharing. Such a person wants
all of what he or she wants and is simply unwilling to
compromise or share in any way. Obviously that makes my
job harder.
I came across this video about a
negotiation over waffles that pretty much sums it up for
me.
If you need help with a difficult
negotiation, feel free to contact Shawn Weber at 858-345-1616
or visit our website atwww.bravewebermack.com.
I am frequently
asked this question. In California we never deal with
Social Security in the Marital Settlement Agreement because
the concept is pretty much understood under Federal Law.
If you have been married for at least ten years, your
spouse will get derivative benefits. Period. They
can do the math and decide whether the derivative benefits are
better for them or not, but they get the choice. Not
you.
But have no fear, derivative benefits
have no effect on your own benefits, so quit worrying about it
anyway and spend your energy on golfing once you retire.
Here is the CNN Personal Finance Help
Desk article on the subject.
Family Law
Attorney, Mediator and Collaborative Practitioner
The general rule is that divorce is a
personal expense and is not deductible as a business
expense.United States v. Gilmore(Gilmore I) (1963) 372 U.S.
39. So the short and easy answer is, “No.”
However, don’t despair. There are still
some ways you can get a break from some of those fees. Here
are some exceptions to the general rule:
Fees to obtain alimony or taxable
pension distribution. If you are a
spousal support or alimony recipient, you can deduct those
fees relating to obtaining taxable spousal support or a
taxable pensions distribution. (See I.R.C.§212(1); Treas Reg.
1.262-1(b)(7);Wild v. Commr. (1964) 42 T.C. 706.
So, those fees that you spend with your attorney to get
spousal support from your ex can usually be deducted. Don’t
forget, the fees for getting your share of a pension
distribution may also be deductible.
Tax planning or advice.
The costs of tax planning or advice are deductible.
I.R.C.§212(3). We family lawyers
tend to shy away from giving anyone tax advice because we
are, for the most part, not tax attorneys or CPAs. However,
there can be occasion as you are planning your divorce or
legal separation that your attorney gives you some tax
advice. (For example, tax advice about dependency
exemptions, deductibility of spousal support payments,
post-divorce real estate transfers, etc.) When that happens,
the associated fees can be deductible.
Capitalize. Even if
the fees for your divorce lawyer aren’t deductible, expenses
can often be capitalized.Serianni v. Commissioner(11 Cir 1985) 765 F.2d
1051, 1985 CFLR 2892. Talk to your CPA about how this can be
done.
Below the
line. Now these aren’t the greatest of
deductions because they are below the line. But every little
bit helps… right?
Talk to your lawyer
early! If you are interested in deducting
some of your legal fees on your taxes, it is important that
you have a conversation with your family law attorney early so
that (s)he knows to keep track of your fees and what portions
may be deductible. Typically, your attorney can give you a
letter at the end of the year indicating what portion of your
fees were, for example, associated with the collection of
alimony. Usually this so-called “allocation letter” sent by
the attorney to the client will suffice as sufficient proof of
the deduction to satisfy the IRS.Goldaper v. Commissioner(1977) T.C. Memo. 1977-343,
36 T.C.M. 1381, 1979 AFLTR 1110. However, if your attorney
doesn’t know that you will want to claim this deduction, you
will put him in the difficult and awkward position of trying
to recreate his records. It’s better that he knows from the
outset so that (s)he can keep better track.
As with every tax question, it’s a really
good idea to talk it over with your CPA. The rules can be
complex and there are limitations. However, with a little
diligence, you may save some money at tax time.
For more information about divorce or
family law in California, visit us at www.BraveWeberMack.com
or call attorney Shawn Weber for a free telephone consult at
858-345-1616.
This is an
excellent suggestion. So many folks jump right into
dating. As a divorce lawyer, I know that this can lead to
repeat business for me. It is much smarter to make sure you
are ready before you start dating. Also, don’t forget your
kids. They may not be ready either. Best advice: be careful!
Read the article here: Read the Article at
HuffingtonPost
Applied Behavioral Finance combines the
disciplines of psychology and economics to explain why
people make seemingly irrational or illogical decisions
when they spend, invest, save, and borrow money. Since
psychology systematically explores human judgment,
behavior, motivation, emotion, and well-being, it
can teach us important facts about how human
functioning differs from traditional rational economic
assumptions.
Excellent
article. I have several cases right now where I believe the
boys involved are being put in the middle of things. The
parents universally say that the kid is a boy and can
therefore handle it. I feel terrible for these little guys.
The worst I heard was a father telling a little boy that he
couldn’t have any allowance because “Mom took all our money at
court. You will have to get your allowance from her.” Read the Article at
HuffingtonPost
It really does
matter what words you choose when communicating with an
ex spouse- particularly when you are coparenting. It
can be the difference between a peaceful and happy existence
or one filled with acrimony and post-judgment
litigation. Read the Article at
HuffingtonPost
As the next
installment in my series of tips for surviving a high conflict
divorce, I want to focus on the issue of reactivity—or perhaps
better said, over-reactivity.
Here is an email exchange that is very
typical:
Email #1: Susie, I was hoping to take
little Johnny to visit my mother in Montana for a week
during the summer. As you know, my mom has been ailing a lot
lately. She is only expected to get worse and I was just
hoping to take Johnny to get to know her before she gets
worse.
Email #2: Jim, your mother has done
nothing but ruin our lives. We moved to California to get
away from her and I don’t know why you would want to take
our son around her. Besides, your father drinks and you know
how I feel about that. Will you please think about what is
in the best interests of our son instead of involving him in
your twisted relationship with your parents?
Email #3: Why are you trying to involve
my folks in our divorce. You always hated them. You are so
selfish, which is one of the reasons we are divorcing. My
father doesn’t drink any more than anyone else—certainly
less than your drug addicted sister. I already talked to
Johnny and he wants to visit his grandparents. You should
follow his wishes! Why are you trying to get between him and
his grandmother?
Email #4: You son of a $%#@! Why are
you involving our son in this? You never cared about him.
You are just using him as a pawn. I will go to court and do
whatever I can do to stop you if you even think of taking
him to see your abusive parents. I just told Johnny that he
doesn’t have to go with you to Montana if he doesn’t want to
go. He is already signed up for camp anyway and can’t
go.
Email #5: F%&@ you! This is
parental alienation and I am tired of it! I just retained a
very tough attorney and she tells me that if you keep this
up I will get sole custody and you will only be able to see
Johnny with a supervisor. And don’t even think about keeping
the house. My attorney tells me that you will have to pay my
attorneys’ fees. Don’t even think of asking for support
either. I will quit my job if you do!
I wish I could say that an email exchange
like this is rare in my observations. Sadly, it’s quite
common. Often times in high conflict cases, the parties have a
tendency to feed off of each other. Negative energy has a way
of creating more negative energy. We, as human beings, have a
tendency to react strongly if we feel we are being attacked or
if we are scared. Fear and anger are huge motivators. “Fight
or flight” instincts kick in. Often these instincts lead us to
involve the children inappropriately in adult business.
My advice is to resist the urge to pile
on. We are not computers. This means that if our so-called
“buttons are pushed,” we need not react in a prescribed
fashion. For instance, my spouse speaking ill of my parents
does not mean that I will then launch into a tirade of
obscenities. Emails are an excellent way of measuring how high
the conflict in situation can be because it is all there in
print. However, most of the high conflict communications
happen elsewhere. The same concepts apply though.
Here are some tips to be measured in your
responses:
1.Court may not
help. I can’t tell you how many times something
bad happens in a case and the initial response of the wronged
party is to file motions at court. I have to admit that early
in my career, I was far more likely to have knee-jerk
reactions to giveex
partenotice and demand all sorts
of remedies at court for every little perceived wrong. I
learned quickly, though, that this rarely helps. Judges hate
the tit-for-tat games being played out in their courtroom. If
unchecked, dueling court motions can turn the courtroom into a
forum for very bad and aggressive behavior. People write
terrible, blistering affidavits full of he-said-she-said
accusations that are rarely helpful to the court in making a
decision. The judges become overwhelmed with the negativity
and usually develop very bad opinions of both parties. I have
also experienced that the most negative person at court is
viewed the most negatively by the judge.
There are other options to resolve
problems besides court. Mediators or mental health
professionals can go a long way to diffuse problems and they
can often do it faster. I just filed a motion in court the
other day for a routine issue. It was set for four months
away. You can often resolve problems with the help of ADR
professionals and/or mental health professionals in a fraction
of the time.
I am definitely not saying that Court
should never be used. Sometimes, it’s the only way. But it
should be used sparingly as a last resort. I generally don’t
like to go to court unless I know I am going to win.
Otherwise, my client should seriously consider keeping her
powder dry.
2.First listen, carefully, THEN
respond. Often times one party expresses a concern
that causes them anxiety. Perhaps the person doesn’t say it
carefully, especially if the person is upset. Often what the
other party hears is only the portions that make him the most
angry or fearful. In the email example above, Jim asked if he
could take the kids to see his family. But all Susie heard was
her own reaction relating to her bad experiences with Jim’s
family. Jim, for his part, didn’t hear some of the legitimate
concerns that Susie had about his parents and reacted only to
what caused him anxiety. Rather than take the time to really
ponder and think about addressing Susie’s concerns, he flew
off the handle. Naturally, the conversation deteriorated
because the couple was reacting instead of listening.
I frequently coach my clients to listen
carefully first to what the other person is saying. I ask them
to avoid getting caught up in the “background noise.” As in
many divorces, communications can be accompanied by the
emotions of hurt, fear and anger. Language can be
unintentionally combative. Sometimes the language is quite
deliberately combative. But if a person listens carefully and
isolates the core concern that is driving the emotion and
responds to the concern rather than the emotion, the
communication can be less combative and thereby more
effective. Here’s an example,
Jared: I am going to take the kids to
see a ballgame with Linda and me.
Nancy: I can’t believe you’re taking
the kids out with your girlfriend! She is why we are getting
divorced! You are so selfish and disrespectful. She
shouldn’t even be around our kids let alone taking them to a
ballgame!
Now, at this point, Jared has a choice to
make. First, he could fly off the handle and react to a
perceived attack on his new love interest by his ex as
follows:
Jared: I can’t believe you are so
petty! The kids like Linda! You are just jealous. I wish you
could get over that we are divorced and move on! You just
want to ruin things for me and Linda!
If this were his reaction, I am sure you
can see how unproductive the discussion will be. Perhaps what
Jared should do in this situation is stop a minute and think
hard about what Linda is telling him. Perhaps, after some
careful thought and reflection, his response could be more
like this:
Jared: Oh, I didn’t realize that you
were uncomfortable with the kids being around Linda. Linda
is really a nice person. But, I want you to know that she
can never replace you as the kids’ mother. It is important
to me that the kids eventually have a relationship with
Linda because she is an important part of my life. Do you
think there is anything that you and I can do to help the
kids with the transition of my having a new relationship?
This could help us in the future as well if you should ever
start dating again.
Perhaps the second more careful reaction
could be more effective. Jared recognized the concern that
Nancy was having about introducing the children to his new
love interest. Instead of attacking her back, he moved the
discussion away from conflict towards a search for productive
solutions.
3.Be careful about emails. The
same concept applies to emails. A good friend and colleague,
Bill Eddy, J.D., LCSW and co-founder ofThe High Conflict Institute,
wrotea great article about
Responding to Hostile Emails using the “B.I.F.F.” method.
“B.I.F.F.” is short for “Brief, Informative, Firm and
Friendly.” Rather than simply reacting to hostile email with a
tirade of your own, Mr. Eddy suggests writing a carefully
crafted response (if a response is even needed) to the angry
email. You reduce the chances of a prolonged and angry
dialogue by keeping the response brief and to the point. By
focusing on providing the facts in a clear and concise way the
email can be informative and thereby less inflammatory, you
can make an effective communication without escalating the
conflict further. By maintaining a friendly and courteous tone
even when tempted to respond with anger, you deprive the other
person of a reason to get defensive and keep responding.
Finally, by clearly stating your position in a firm but
non-threatening way you can effectively communicate your
position. Again the goal here is to shut down the back and
forth with clear and effective communication devoid of
threatening and angry language. (For more information, see
Bill Eddy’s book,BIFF: Quick Responses to
High Conflict People.)
In summary, avoid reacting emotionally
and reactively. Listen carefully to what is being said and try
to discover the concern being expressed. Then, rather than
attack back, turn the conversation towards possible solutions.
This doesn’t work every time, but with patience, it can help.
Remember, while sometimes necessary, court is rarely the best
answer to resolve a problem. Try to work it out and when in
need of help, seek professional assistance from a mediator or
mental health professional.
Humans are an emotional species and much
of divorce litigation is driven purely by emotion. Take time
to review your own thought processes and reactions to
challenges during your divorce. Ask yourself, often, if you
are reacting out of emotion or out of thought. While emotions
are a part of who you are, if left unchecked, they can block
out reason and lead to sad and terrible outcomes. Don’t
hesitate to seek out a mental health professional for
coaching. It can be the difference between an expensive,
high-conflict divorce or a financially and emotionally less
costly, amicable divorce.
For more information and guidance on
dealing with your high conflict divorce, contact Shawn Weber
at 858-345-1616 for a free telephone consulation or visitwww.BraveWeberMack.com.
HOW
DOES COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE WORK? People hearing about
Collaborative Divorce for the first time usually have a great deal
of questions about the process and how it works.
These articles were first published in
the California Divorce Magazine and are reprinted
here with their full permission.
LEGAL EASE Demystifying no-fault, contested,
adversarial, and mediated divorce.
A SOLID RELATIONSHIP How to work with your lawyer to achieve the
best possible outcome to your divorce
THE
MEDIATION COMBINATION Some
mediators are also lawyers, some are therapists; some work alone,
some as part of a team. Which type is best for you?
BREAKING THE NEWS You're getting a divorce. How much should
you tell your family, friends, and co-workers?
SPLITTING What's so bad about blaming your ex for
splitting up your marriage?
PARENTING PITFALLS Here are some of the most common warning
signs that you need help before your children become casualties of
your divorce.
DIVORCE
AND GRIEF A special interview with
Russell Friedman, executive director of The Grief recovery
Institute and co-author of The Grief Recovery Handbook.
WHAT
YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT QDRO'S A QDRO directs the administrator
of a pension plan to give a certain amount of an employee's
pension to his/her non-employee ex-spouse after the divorce is
final.
A GOOD
NIGHT'S SLEEP Is divorce-related stress stealing
your ability to sleep? Here's help.
More helpful articles
MONEY: AVOIDING COMMON PITFALLS Ten Certified Divorce Financial
Analysts offer their best tips to help avoid some of the
most common financial mistakes made by divorcing people.
PARENTING: HERE AND NOW Advice on how to keep the
noncustodial parent involved in your child's life.
Providing
divorce and family law services throughout San Diego
County
Brave,
Weber & Mack, APLC Family Law, Mediation
and Collaborative Divorce Solana Beach,
California Phone:(858) 345-1616 Fax:(858) 345-1688 Email:
California
family law attorneys and mediators, Brave, Weber and Mack, APLC: Family
Law, Mediation and Collaborative Divorce provide legal advice and
representation to clients on family law issues, including filing for
divorce, child custody (child sharing) child support enforcement,
prenuptial agreements, visitation, motions to establish paternity,
domestic partnership agreements, spousal and child support modifications
to agreements and court orders. Based in Solana Beach, Brave, Weber &
Mack helps families throughout San Diego County, including the South Bay,
North County, and East County, and communities such as San Diego, La
Jolla, Rancho Santa Fe, Del Mar, Solana Beach, Encinitas, Carlsbad,
Vista.
Below the
line. Now these aren’t the greatest of
deductions because they are below the line. But every little
bit helps… right?
As the next
installment in my series of tips for surviving a high conflict
divorce, I want to focus on the issue of reactivity—or perhaps
better said, over-reactivity.
3.
